The Wooden Man
by Lainana
Summary: The adventures of a wooden man. Rated M For Small Wooden Men.
1. Chapter 1

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Yamatoe: Kekashee I b wander hy joo waer msk?

Kekashee: I b waerin cause it soak blode when p0rn reed.

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	2. Chapter 2

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Annco: Yamatoe-cun, U so Sexi I wan no u wooden all ova.

Yamatoe: I no let u. u raep me cuz of it, may b.

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	3. Chapter 3

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Irooka: U b Narootoe Sensay?

Yamatoe: I b em'

Irooka: U much taller dan I taught.

Yamatoe: I b lyke tree.

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	4. Chapter 4

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Sackura: Yamatoe-sensay, tell wut missons joo do geenin.

Yamatoe: Make tree for park in Konoha.

Sackura: Dat hard?

Yamatoe: Oly morning.

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	5. Chapter 5

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Gay: Yamatoe! joor youthfulness Blindin me! it shine with more grace than me teeth!!1!0!11!

Yamatoe: Gay, joo blind me too. Leave.

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	6. Chapter 6

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Yamatoe: Tsu-chama I hear 'cause joo call fo me.

Tsu-chama: Ye. Time fo Check up. Ancoo say joo wooden all ova. Kay lemme see nw.

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	7. Chapter 7

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Kurenlove: Deysay I hav odd eye. How get joors?

Yamatoe: I get frm senju jeans.

Kurenlove: Wat part jean?

Yamatoe: Pocket.

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	8. Chapter 8

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Yamatoe: Left snake in mailbxx.

Annco: Was good. Yess?

Yamatoe: Joo no puss-cat with wood. Left scratch.

Annco: Make feel good.

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	9. Chapter 9

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"Hello. My name is Yamatoe, and I'm going to tell you about the forest." Brave Yamatoe looked out at the crowd of children. By the end of today he was going to mentally scar all of them.

"But more specifically, I'll be talking about wood." Yes. Yes. They already knew it was coming, the excited faces they had, dropped, and they were glancing everywhere except at him.

Now it was time to capture them.

"Wood, is something that is apart of our daily lives here in the village hidden beneath one Kumo rock, I mean Hidden leaves." He paused and stared. He beady eyes watching them like the little, large? beady eyes that they were.

They were silent.

"What I'm here to tell you is how to care for wood. Wood isn't just your everyday thing. It needs to be cared for, or it'll dye quickly."

He licked his lips. Boy he was thirsty.

"I'll tell you something important, if your wood gets too wet it'll expand and swell in size." He nodded his head at the midgets. They all looked flustered. Why? Oh well.

"If this happens, you should look after it quickly. You have to extract most of the liquids out of it. It doesn't have to be a fast extraction, but nore should it be a slow extraction either. You wouldn't want it to go back breaking point, it'll never return."

Yamatoe licked his lips again. Jez, he needed to leave soon or he'd go past breaking point.

"Next. Colouration is also something you want to look at when caring for your wood. You want it to be nice and health and full of colour. Rub and polish it often. Lacquering it is also a good alternative, so long as you touch and feel it often I'm sure it'll be happy."

He sighed, was it just him? Glancing out at the crowd he saw all the children wide eye'd and blushing and sliding away from the other gender. Jez. What were kids thinking about these days?

"As one last point, I'd like to say that getting infested with termites is no dainty thing. You have you go get a cream or a spray and get rid of them right away or the infestation will spread further. You would not want to have your wood eaten from the inside out so taking careful methods to reduce infestation would be advised. Thank you for your time."

He had to get out of here! He was so hot, wait, Iruka worked here didn't he? Maybe he'd let him use Iruka's sink tap.

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	10. Chapter 10

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Yamatoe: Pre-vuu.

Rock Lee: Dats right every1!

Yamatoe: Hav anyting say two peeple?

Rock Lee: Yurr! Hear I-cum!

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	11. Chapter 11

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Yamatoe, Konoha's everyday village hero.

He was almost at KillerWoodGod level.

Why was he a hero you ask?

Because the village he lived in was, hidden in the leaves.

Leaves are attached to trees.

Yamatoe was the Wooden Man.

And he was transforming the village hidden beneath one Kumo rock back into the village hidden in the hole, and then into the VILLAGE HIDDEN IN THE LEAVES.

Although everyone would forever remember it as Village hidden Beneath One Kumo Rock. Because that was epic.

Now why was Yamatoe almost at KWGL? (Killer WoodGod Level, WoodGod for short of course he is an Anbu) It's because building all these new houses and new trees were upping his experience. Quite fast. He basically was basically making half the village himself. Damn those lazy villagers they needed to get to work.

Ah, how he wished for some quality time to him self, to regenerate and recover. But no, he couldn't do that. He must work work work.

If he had to do anymore of this he was going to shove a stick far up someones...

And that's when he stopped.

And looked at the clouds.

And then suddenly screamed in girlish pain as Rock Lee flew out of nowhere and nailed him.

And that's when he fell to the ground.

And that's how he let out the most manly squeal anyone in Konoha had heard.

And they all heard it by the way. Continuing.

And got a good look at the dirt road.

"Yamatoe-san! I won Yamatoe-san! Are you alright Yamatoe-san?" Posing in his prefect green and shiny pose, Rock Lee. Stood. Beaming. Down. At. Him.

The Wood Spirit must be sending him a boot load of karma.

Because there was no way Rock Lee would kick his acorns like that ever. It had to be Karma.

Karma.

"Lee?" His voice was squeaky. He hoped 'they' were still there.

"Yamatoe-san!"

"Why?" He could only send out one word at a time. And his oh so manly voice was just prefect. Prefect.

"Why, Yamatoe-san! Me and the children were sent on a quest to attack Konoha's knock the youthful nuts off of Konoha's greatest tree!"

"Oh." His eyes were twitching in happiness really. Happiness. He also happened to notice the group of children gathering around him.

It was the group of academy students he spoke to awhile back. Those hell spawns must have took that lesson to heart.

"We we're all convinced that it was you Yamatoe-san!"

"Go." As he lay there clutching himself he could only think of one way to get rid of the evil around him. It was the same tactic he used on Gay.

"Nani?"

"Leave."

"Nani?"

"Leave."

"Yamatoe!"

"Leave"

"Yamatoe!"

"Leave!"

"Yamatoe!"

"Leave!"

"Oh my! I suddenly have he urge to go see Gay-sensay! I must be off! Come Children! let us go meet my sensay!"

Those little demons were about to get just what they deserved. And those were the last thoughts in Yamatoes head before he gave into the pain that came in the form of a Rock hard kick to the acorns.

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	12. Chapter 12

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Killa Biz: Itz b green un-deer dah seam Yo mom's a beam beam beam.

Yamatoe: ...

Killa Biz: Supa Tax is cumin' up like supa wax. What you wan? Oh yea!

Yamatoe: ...Why?

Killa Biz: Zicka Zicka Zee. 'Cause I'ma a Killa Bizzee Bee.

Yamatoe: If only me flames of youth would ignite.

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I almost forgot that I had the request to put in an amazing author's note about why I wrote this little ditty. (THE CHAPTER. If only it were a song.)

I was sitting here one day. Kind of... just staring.. And then I realised.. I realised. I DIDN'T WRITE ABOUT KILLER BEE. I have no idea why I didn't.. Oh poor Killer Bee. I didn't mean to I'm so sorry. So I wrote something up. But unfortunately I was mildly worried because his rap is the shit. I can't rap anyways so I was worrying and thinking things like 'What if I'm not bad enough? What if no one gets the rap joke?' So I went to a person who really hadn't read the story and had kept away from it because I was already scar'ing them.

WW IS THE BEST.

He was mentally weirded out after I sent it to him. And didn't reply in our little instant chat place for 5 minutes. So I changed it up alittle and then I figured out how to end it. Because I'm awesome.

Another request, was for me to write about why I wrote this thing. MegaB requested it actually. He wanted to know what was in my head when I write this, which is basically nothing but I'll make something up for you.

1) I want people to think.

2) I want people to think about what I'm really writing about? Is it all sexual comments? Or is is something else. Only Ageant knows.

3) I find that its fun to write about things no really writes about. It also confuses people because they don't know why people would write like this.

4) Have you guys seen any amazing Tenzo/Yamato fic's? No. I only found Yaoi's and Yama/Saku ones. This is full of fun and has amazing comments that doesn't make sense at all.

5) I think that only I would write something odd like this.

6) I want to get to ten. So here's another reason why I wrote about this. Because HAVE YOU SEEN YAMATO? His eyes remind me of bird eyes makes me want to write about him.

7) Someone that grows trees has got to have some amazing comments to make. I've created the situation.

8) The reviews. Are they serious or not? I know some of them are B) And the others... well... well.. I'm blinded by some of the youthfulness.

9) If you could write about anything, and make it amazing, wouldn't you want to squish that whole thing in to two sentances. I did that for awhile. I've got more hiding out though. Plus The hardest thing to do is make a comment that actually makes sense in two sentances. It's something everyone should try. Can you do it?

10) If one doesn't have something to express themselves... well obviously the poke'mon master is going to open some can of whoop .. bum. This is my place to express myself write now. I hope this makes more sense to you than to me because I've already forgotten what I wrote in these reasons o:

To People who I annoy greatly.

May the Hope of the KWG be with you, and may the will of the Wooden Terrorist be after you Pickle. Because I will eat you.

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	13. Chapter 13

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Narootoe: Wat chu do in on top hill?

Yamatoe: I b listenin to all leaves on tree.

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	14. Chapter 14

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Sasgay: Wooden Man. We make fight now.

Yamatoe: Weight I no we in big battle. But I muss no. Y joo remind me of Gay?

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	15. Chapter 15

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DanZo: TenZo-cunt u b must work for I.

Yamatoe: I b leaf, oly move wit wind.

DanZo: I b Hokage!

Yamatoe: U b need take ur cane outta ass it plant you in grond lyke iwa-nin.

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	16. Chapter 16

Yamatoe: Dat.. Dat..

DanZo: Eye b 'Cough'.

Yamatoe: My bby!

DanZo: Mutated bby from 1 time you hav wet dreem.


	17. Chapter 17

It b late, Shadow evrywear.

Butt, i no scare, eerie trees around seem like home.

Yamato, no need nitelight no more.


	18. Chapter 18

Nitelight shud hav stayed on.

Now he's a real tree momma.

Yamato had no been more than one person before.

It b wierd.

Like sharing yur bowl of ramen wierd.

Only one stomach u see?

Many a face.


End file.
